(Cayden, being completely honest with her situation during Monopoly)
On the other side this big decision I realize that pulling back from the normal for a bit helped me to realize that change was needed. Drastic change. That long Christmas break we took from school provided some clarity that I would not have had otherwise.
This school thing has helped me to sort out how to make a tough call, and how to determine if a big change is needed.
The first step for me was taking a break from the situation.
Sometimes when we’re making big deal decisions we have to pull back from the situation we are in. Taking a break is vital. It’s like backing way up to get a better view of a landscape, up close you can get lost in the details, but from a distance you can see the whole thing. I needed distance on this one.
Bathe the process in prayer.
And in the process we prayed. Lots. And cried lots too. That’s part of dealing with emotions isn’t it? Someone mentioned to me somewhere along the way that you cannot base decisions on how you feel, or you can’t let emotions guide you. But I don’t really know if that’s always the case. I think God gives us emotions for a reason, and often they serve as an indicator of what’s going on in our lives. My constant feelings of dread concerning school, feeling overwhelmed by school, feeling unable to emotionally attach to anything (especially my kids) all provided some clues that something needed to change. For me the tipping point was someone at church asking me if I could help her one afternoon with a decorating project. She was asking for a couple of hours. And her request left me in tears, so I had to ask myself why. And that slowly led to me realizing that this wasn’t a case of simply toughing it out, or bucking up and wearing big girl panties to get through the day. I firmly believe that God’s spirit placed those feelings in me to indicate that a change was needed. I don’t understand all the whys of that need for change but I do trust God’s sovereignty and leading. I could only come to realize all of that through prayer. My connection to God was a life line through all this. So was my other rock, my husband.
Get an outside opinion.
My husband was vital in this, and he loved me enough to fire me. Yes, he fired me from the job of teacher because he knew that something wasn’t working in our house. That something was me, his wife. I hate to use that old standby, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” But there’s truth in that, I think it applies to fathers as well. I’ve been a red hot mess, and that was affecting my family. He lovingly and graciously helped me to see that continuing in this path was really unhealthy for us, our marriage, our household, our family. So I took his advice. It wasn’t easy, but it was sound and godly and right. I trust his opinion because I know he hears from God.
Walk in peace.
And in the end, we made our decision and now we get to walk in freedom because we know God is in it. At this point I will look the other way when people look at me, shocked that I would do something so terrible as enroll our kids in public school. (Really and yes, that has happened.) I will go back to the fact that I know God has made his path clear to us and at the end of the day, I trust him. I won’t lie and say this is easy as can be, it’s hard and I’ve got mixed up feelings about it. But over it all, I’m trusting and confident and at peace. And I think that’s the biggest indication that the decision was the right one, I have peace. I’ve not had peace concerning homeschooling in a very long time.
It’s been a journey and a process. I’m grateful for it because it’s helped me relearn how to hear from God. And at the beginning of a season of restoration I’m anxious to see what else he is up to. I’m eager to get back in touch with God, with my husband, and with my kids. I’m excited to be able to have time to connect with friends. I’m looking forward to wearing only the mom hat around here. I think it’ll fit me really well.